Fellow Ghouls, Goblins and Victims of the Bush Administration: That day is once again soon upon us like a load of sewage spilled onto the streets! Or like another Robert Novak column! Either way, it's time to don weird and eerie costumes and take to the night in search of places to hide from carjackers, muggers and right wing Christian fundamentalists with Louisville Sluggers!

Assuming Halloween revelers survive the trip to their respective parties without being picked up for a DUI, arrested for possession of narcotics or wasted away to nothingness as a result of waiting for FEMA to actually do something, they will need costumes to wear unless they also want to spend a night in jail for indecent exposure! Although a night in jail on an indecent exposure charge could be considered a party in some circles!

Yes, we suspect that even the President and Congress will get into the scary Halloween spirit by simply being themselves!

But, for the rest of us, costume shopping will occupy some of the time between now and the witching hours! And dirtcentral's Pumpkin Patch of Horror Costume Shoppe is available to the wacky and the wild who want that unique costume that simply screams, "I'm a nut, a maniac, a seriously demented creature who wears stuff like this!" However, please note that if you see the Virgin Mary in cheese sandwiches we ask that you pay with cash in advance!


You'll come shooting into that Halloween party like a poorly driven automobile careening wildly down a crowded city street when you're sporting the No Slow–an Lohan costume! With its impressive oversized wrecked Mercedes convertible headdress, designed especially to collide with as much as possible as you maneuver it through a crowd, and elegant Lindsay Lohan–inspired evening frock and matching shoes, this disguise will even turn heads at that elegant after-hours eatery you'll demolish expensive luxury cars trying to get to! Truly a costume worthy of lowered deductibles on all of your automotive insurance policies!

  
Perk up those dull Halloween outings with a unique mask that'll keep 'em guessing! When you go a-haunting in the Feeble FEMA Reversible mask, your hauntings will be as mysterious and fleeting as was the designers' inspiration, Michael Brown, and his administration of the Federal Emergency Management Agency during and after the Katrina disaster! But wait! There's a surprise built into this mask, because just as you begin to feign blaming your incompetence on a host of local governments, you can flip the mask over and hide behind the identity of Cuddles, a cute Arabian horse! Clever and campy Halloween hilarity!


Here's an exciting new costume that will have those partygoers, and anyone with a vestige of concern for individual freedoms and privacy rights, running for cover! Featuring an ethereal, glowingly evil SpongeBob SquarePants hovering from two gnarled hands hard at work undoing the separation of church and state, the Dr. Jim's a Fruitcake costume captures the inanity of the Focus on the Family's wacky leader while eerily projecting the downright perverted danger James Dobson is to a civilized nation that cherishes democratic principles! Sure to be a hit among your liberal friends!

 
If your fellow revelers aren't already barfing up their booze on the host's carpeting at the party, they'll almost certainly lose their cookies when you shock them wearing the Mouthful O' Rove mask, a disturbingly spooky rendition of President Bush's assistant chief of staff. But spookiness will take a back seat to uproarious laughter when you push the hidden button and your huge-mouthed White House hack plays a replaceable module, reciting the names of undercover CIA agents! Optional modules allow the giant piehole to lie at grand jury hearings! Hysterical Halloween fun for everyone!

What would Halloween be without a costume to honor that denizen of ridiculously outdated, fatheadedly insipid, outrageously degenerate political and social reasoning, Pat Buchanan? And since this idiotic, malevolent chat show pit bull of a commentator once again has his flabby jowls flapping, this time over Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, it is only fitting that you take the former Nixon speechwriter to the streets on Halloween in the Buchan-Ass Collectors' Edition costume, fittingly depicting this tub of manure as an ass's ass! Just like the head of this costume's conservative inspiration, your head will look like it's up where the sun doesn't shine! Nonstop laughs!

It would be criminal not to get the new Mug Shot Tom costume, featuring a mask with what Texas Congressman Tom Delay will most likely look like at his booking! Your vision is not impaired because a mesh screen lets you see as easily as money was illegally poured into a certain former House majority leader's campaign! You'll have partygoers howling with laughter as you run the battery operated mug shot jail numbers while cash register noises fill the air each time the number changes! The costume comes complete with subpeona forms you can use to attack prosecutors and divert attention without really offering any viable defense! Give them to passers–by for hilarious reactions!

You'll outdo lesser costumes by an Iraqi mile when you roll down the street in your motorized Baghdad Bedlam costume! You're in control as a suicide bombing victim laid up in the elegant full scale queen size poster bed with its bloodied sheets, flowing canopy draperies and unique George W. Bush "live long and prosper" headboard! Powered by a sophisticated DC motor and two 12 volt automotive batteries, and boasting full hydraulic power steering and brakes, the bed will breeze you from one party venue to the next, dripping the supplied colorful blood from a concealed bladder in one of the posts and filling the air with your anguished screams amplified by the built-in PA system! As compelling as the President's warmongering!

Prepare for as much success in your Halloween adventure as the current governor of California did when he stole his seat from the Democrats! When you're in the re–inflatable Schwarzen–deflator mask, you'll have 'em rolling in the aisles just like they do when they think of the former bodybuilder's performance as chief executive of the Golden State! Simply inflate the mask from your bottle of Schwarzenhotair, supplied with the mask, then, when you have an audience, remove the cap and watch the governor's face, much like his approval ratings, flutter and melt into a limp blob! Pump the action movie actor's face back up and "he'll be back!" The bottle of Schwarzenhotair can be reused as many times as the Republican governor has referenda!
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