One must always make the best of one's dire circumstances. This is certainly true of the queen of style, now herself incarcerated within the criminal justice system after having been convicted, albeit questionably so, of criminal activities. But this could never be a hindrance to she who so often saved a soufflé or managed to create a masterpiece of a salad out of mere leftovers, or titillated a holiday guest with decorations made from native twigs and stumps! Granted, lessons will be learned, particularly that we must never trust druggie brokers or friends we whisk along with us on junkets to Mexico! But these are solemn times, times when we spend pacing the prison kitchens or contemplating deeply while being ogled in the showers or even poring over our dog-eared volume of Truman Capote's In Cold Blood, seeking answers to time-honored questions. Questions about the kinds of cooking methods to use when you have to share your utensils with the scum of the earth, and eat in an environment where, at any moment, a knifing could occur, or horrible things might happen with carrots and rutabagas! Questions about how to introduce a bit of style into this rat and cockroach infested hellhole, and how to keep down the slop that these monsters dish out on a regular basis. Questions about how to get back at those druggie brokers and that bitch whisked along on a junket to Mexico!

Another pleasant day dawns in the poky, and it's time to enjoy a delicious and nutritious first meal! Naturally, the ingredients available are not necessarily what one would like, but one must make do with what the corrections system allows! Occasionally, the goons get  into a bad mood and, during lock down, it's simply impossible to gather together all the necessary fresh foods that are so near and dear to our hearts to make that truly satisfying breakfast! But, it's times like these that try our souls, and creativity and perseverance can, indeed, give us that bountiful breakfast that will provide us the energy to survive the weekly hose-down and de-lousing!
Keeping a meal as fundamental as breakfast interesting and delicious is somewhat of an effort in the joint, but no more of an effort than trading unspeakable acts for cigarettes and, short of having your visitors smuggle in fresh radishes, tender sprouts or vine-ripened tomatoes, which, of course, is absolutely necessary for any scrumptious meal, the best rewards are gained simply by quietly using what's in your cell!

1 cup room temperature water
1 cup slightly chilled water
1 slice white bread, crust removed
2 slices white bread, with crust on
Sprig mold from sink-toilet fixture
Soak the bread slice with the crust removed in the room temperature water. Keep an eye on the soaking bread as you don't want this slice to completely dissolve. Place the remaining two slices separately on your plate. Remove soaked slice and fold, then place on one of the dry slices. Place other dry slice on top and pat gently, then sprinkle water sauce on top. Garnish with sprig of mold and fill tin cup with cold water from tap. Serves 1 inmate.

It's always important to get your fellow cons involved in worthwhile and entertaining pastimes so that the dreary days pass so much more pleasantly! Whether it's a rat counting competition or a cheery singalong while banging on the bars, these little community affairs bring murderer, extortionist and white collar criminal alike all that much closer together!


  • Strive for appearance over comfort. This is prison, after all!
  • Use your late night visits to the warden's quarters wisely. With proper technique and some practice, your bunk design raw materials, and other things, will flow readily!
  • Be a modest winner. Especially when the losers are chasing you down with broomhandles and makeshift knives!
There were a few feeble attempts to decorate these shabby prison issue bunks with readily obtained fabrics and surfaces, such as simple linens and even hastily stolen pieces of wood, but certainly nothing impressed!
Happily, the blue ribbon winner of the competition created a quaint and comfortable work of art from tawdry prison iron and bedsprings, and a few stolen sheets from the laundry added flair!

Time to stop stamping out those license plates or putting some finishing touches on your latest tattoo! Lunchtime beckons the bird cage incarcerated to replenish their energy with offerings from the bounty of the big house!
Noon is a perfect time to take pause from the hectic correctional system lifestyle, with its demands on one's time, resources and body parts. There are, of course, interesting and educational experience opportunities, such as when the goons conduct deep cavity searches for drugs. And there are precious moments, too, like the exciting outdoor machine gunnings of the occasional escaping convict!

Making the most of lunch in the slammer requires ingenuity and creativity.  A lunchtime meal is always improved when little touches are added. For instance, nicely framed photographs of famous lifers, Charles Manson being a popular selection, lend a bit of flair to otherwise drab and unadorned lunchtime place settings. And don't forget the simple necessities of maintaining a relaxing lunchtime environment while up the river, like keeping the most aggressive of those dining area cockroaches at bay and properly wielding your fork to defend your plate against pilfering by other hungry jailbirds.

2 Slices White Bread
1 Bowl Tap Water
Pinch calcium scrapings and sprig mold
from sink-toilet fixture
Season tap water in bowl to taste with calcium scrapings, stir, and put aside. Place first slice white bread on plate. Shred second slice into long strips, yielding about five pieces. Now place strips along rim of bowl with seasoned water letting most of bread to remain dry. Using fork, sprinkle seasoned water on the other bread slice taking care not to soak. Garnish with sprig mold and complete with tap water in tin cup. Serves 1 inmate.

  • When stealing utensils for making weapons later in the day, select the smuggling orifice easiest to reach to help avoid embarrassing and often misinterpreted body movements. Loosen clothing near the orifice before you enter the mess. Also, greater comfort can be achieved if the utensil is wrapped in a moistened paper napkin.
  • During a riot, maintain decorum and attempt to direct attacks on guards and snitches in a firm but authoritative way. Safety first! Stab down, not up!
  • In any protest, always attempt to bang your cup on the table in unison with the other prisoners as out of sequence banging is alarming and tends to undermine the cadence. Listen to the beat for a few bars, then join in.
Work doesn't have to be dreary or depressing, especially if it's done with vim and vitality! That's why getting marched into the pen's yard for some digging to get at a broken sewer line really is an opportunity to improve one's working style and, as an extra bonus, get to know some of the tougher members of the racial gangs. Asking other cons about what plopped them in the slammer or inquiring about their criminal boyfriends similarly in the clink brings about an esprit d'corps that makes digging in the dung-soaked effluent-polluted ground an appealing affair!
Respite from hard work in the clink comes from those increasingly infrequent, but much appreciated, visits from friends, relatives and fellow corporation executives in the process of seizing the reigns of power on the outside who descend on the big house ostensibly not only to give one some reason not to hang oneself with a hastily concocted rope made of motheaten sheets and soiled pillowcases, but to see just how much this hellish freakshow has dampened one's spirits. Knowing this, and the fact that more and more of these visitors will be media, it is important to enlist the cooperation of those dwindling friends, relatives and power-hungry fellow corporation executives using all of the resources that freedom from a rat-infested poky can provide!
The fortunate inmate will receive that which could make an early departure from this festering, putrid garbage heap on these filthy shores of the River Styx a definite possibility! If it is done properly, a tool cake can escape the prying eyes of the ever watchful goons who, given any excuse, will reduce the contraband recipient to a messy, difficult to clean heap using carefully chosen and fearsome batons, pipes and gun butts! Because of this, one must always stress to visitors the importance of following breakout tool smuggling recipes to the letter!

I Standard store-prepared four tiered cake
8 files with handles on
1 cross-cut saw
1 Ryobi 2 speed portable electric drill
1 Long shaft 1/4" drill bit
Touch whipped cream
Leaf garland for disguise

The prospective visitor ought obtain any standard four tiered cake. Subtle frosting colors, such as off-whites and pastels, are preferred as they attract less attention from the goons. Place cake carefully on cross-cut saw and then on carrying platter. Insert bit into portable drill and charge battery to ensure full power. Put aside for now. Decorate cake with files along first tier, handles down. Wrap garland around full height of cake to take focus away from files. Remove drill from charger and insert bit down into top of cake. Now, using whipped cream, lightly dust files, drill and saw to give them the appearance of paper maché. Place in box for transport to prison.

All days must come to their inevitable close, even in stir! And the day's activities have guaranteed that the bird cage is full of cons with one thought on their minds: A delicious and satisfying, yet simple to prepare, dinner! Of course, a few of them have other things on their minds, which are easily discovered during  tense and tumultuous moments in the latrines, but, thankfully, a strong bladder and fortuitous use of discarded containers reduces the number of such encounters to a minimum!


And so, as we complete our day and return to our cells to dream of the days when one will once again be able to create fascinating dishes using fresh ingredients, not the cockroach parts and rat leavings one finds in the joint, or when one can create simple but glamorous home decorations using dramatic plants and flowers, not the feces-stained sheets and urine-soaked tissues one finds in here, or when sharing great ideas about fine living will once again be the norm and not the exception. But mostly one dreams of walking out of this miserable poky and rounding up all those traitors that testified for the government and forcing them to eat the recipes in this guide! Remember, vengeance is a dish best served cold!

1 slice white bread
1 cup water, room temperature
1 fat young pigeon, expired and unplucked
Several sprigs mold from sink-toilet combination

Grab pigeon from yard and smuggle in or capture outside of cell window. This requires some dexterity, but accomplishing this goal is crucial to the meal. A younger, fatter pigeon is desirable as this makes consumption and digestion easier. Once pigeon is captured, send it to its maker with a quick break of the neck. The sooner the better as this reduces attention-getting cooing. Tenderize pigeon by bouncing it a few times on the floor, then put aside. Take sprigs mold and coat smaller bowl, then fill with water. Break up bread and drop in water, then mash with fork until a soft consistency is obtained. Place pigeon head down in larger bowl so that tail plumage provides a welcome decorative touch. Fill tin cup with water from tap. Serves 1 inmate.
Note: Pigeon tartar is an acquired taste and is not to everyone's liking. Substitute slice bread for pigeon if this is the case.

A Footnote from dirtcentral: It is outrageous that Martha Stewart was imprisoned for a trumped up government charge that amounted to a violation induced by the government's own investigation. She was a high-profile victim of a system intent on making an example. Good person or bad, Martha Stewart is the victim of a silly government persecution.