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Meth Use
Can Lead To Health Studies
Scientists clamoring for grants to study
use of the drugs discover use leads to grants for studies, a study
shows.
by the dirtcentral staff
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA
- Use of methamphetamines can lead directly to
studies into the use of the drug among members of the population,
according to the conclusions of a study conducted on studies of the
use the drug.
Scientists investigating new and varied methods to receive
grant money to conduct studies conducted the study and introduced
the novel use of methamphetamines because anti–drug hysteria
tended to improve the chances of funds being granted when the drug
was mentioned in the proposed study.
The study indicated that more studies of meth use among various
sectors of the population will proliferate, usually generating the
same tenuous and unverifiable conclusions but virtually
guaranteeing a steady and unimpeded flow of funds into the coffers
of scientists who produce little or no science but spend excessive
amounts of time generating convoluted and uninformative
studies.
"So long as methamphetamines, or, for that matter, marijuana,
heroin, ecstasy and, yes, even alcohol and cigarettes can be used
to stir the health nazi masses, grant funding for feeble and poorly
performed studies will flow like Niagara falls," the study
concluded.
No information as to the cost of the study was provided, though a
suggestion was made that a study be made into its cost. A financial
grant, of course, would be required.
Multiple local law enforcement agencies participated in the study,
spending wakeful hours many nights with scientists closely
examining the highly addictive and wakeful night inducing narcotic
which, according to police officers, can be snorted, smoked or
injected, though none cared to offer which their most popular form
of application was. 
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Gonzales
Readies "Up With Justice" Program
Sagging morale and poor image, mostly due
to his actions, has to be reversed, Attorney General
says.
by the dirtcentral staff
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WASHINGTON, DC -
US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is not
allowing the stench arising from suggestions he fired federal
prosecutors for political reasons to damper the image of the
Justice Department or the morale of others on his staff who might
be subject to his arbitrary and surreptitiously driven
agenda.
Though dripping with guilt, and under the microscope
of Congress, Gonzales has determinedly pressed forward with his
roadmap for undoing the severe damage he has incurred by
instituting a novel Department of Justice rejuvenation program he's
calling "Up With Justice," modeled after the cheerful and jolly "Up
With People" venture.
Gonzales is planning national tours featuring the talents of
federal prosecutors, FBI agents and various other members of his
team who can sing, dance, act, perform magic and otherwise keep
audiences distracted from his obviously greasy maneuvers.
In addition to media interest in precisely what "Up With Justice"
will do for the effectiveness of the Department, support has come
from the White House where President Bush announced he would be the
first in line to purchase tickets for the premier performance,
slated for an opening night somewhere in the nation's capital.
Hopes for the success of "Up With Justice" remains high,
particularly among the few supporters of Gonzales. "Giving DOJ
employees the chance to prove themselves not only as loyal members
of the Attorney General's team but also as great stage performers
is one of the greatest legacies Alberto can leave!', declared one
Republican booster of the program who spoke on condition of
anonymity.
Later, that same booster was off with an "Up With Justice" team to
Cleveland for an appearance being opened by a group called the
"Illegally Fired Prosecutors Troupe." 
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Taliban
Kidnaps Traveling River Dance Group
Pleads with Karzai government to take
dancers back but Afghan officials refuse negotiations despite risk
to Taliban.
by the dirtcentral staff
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KABUL, AFGHANISTAN
- Representatives of the Taliban, the exiled
former leaders of this middle eastern nation, driven out following
the events of September 11, 2001, left word with President Hamad
Karzai that the River Dancer troupe they had kidnapped as the group
left a performance in the capital was practically impossible to
return to anyone who knew anything about River Dance, no matter how
hard they tried.
The Afghani government, citing its standing policy of
refusing to negotiate with Taliban kidnappers, noted that meeting
their demand to take back the troupe would only lead to the dire
possibility that the dancers would return to Kabul for another
show.
The group of twenty-two dancers was, along with their shoes,
clothing, souvenirs of Kabul and a large collection of videos of
other River dancers throughout the world, abducted while traveling
by bus to their next scheduled performance before an audience in
Baghdad.
Several extremist Islamic web sites sympathetic to the Taliban
showed videos of the performers dancing before their frustrated
kidnappers, evidently ignoring threatening machine gun fire that
some of the Taliban were unleashing over their heads in an
apparently unsuccessful effort to get the River dancers to
quit.
Experts sitting through the videos marveled at the restraint
displayed by the Taliban in not simply shooting the River
Dancers.
Sources in Baghdad have strongly denied suggestions that they would
have done anything, including conspiring with the Taliban, to
prevent the dancers from arriving in the Iraqi capital for their
performance.
Military officials in the United States have refrained from
involving themselves in the affair, noting that, eventually, the
Taliban will find a place to leave the troupe, most likely relying
on the possibility they can find someone who is not familiar with
this style of dancing.
"That's good," said an army spokesman, "because the last thing we
want is for those River Dancers to come to the US!" 
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Q: How does television work?
Dr. Dirtcentral Answers:
While the limited space here demands an
incomplete answer, the general principle involves the modulation of
electromagnetic radiation which, when received from the
broadcaster, causes an electronic beam to deflect in a tube set and
individual pixels to illuminate in flat screen types, resulting in
a picture that contains both color and movement which, thanks to
cable and satellite distribution, arises from hundreds of channels
on which nobody can find anything to watch. |
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Romney Roots
For Return To Hypocrisy And Deceit
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Psychics Convene To Pick Next President
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Republicans Try To Outdo Each Other On
Torture
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DUBUQUE, IA - Lackluster presidential candidate
Willard "Mitt" Romney told cheering supporters that American values
are under attack and that a return to hypocrisy and false pretenses
is necessary for the United States to survive as God's chosen
country.
"Make no mistake about it," said the former Massachusetts governor,
"Until we embrace the kind of cynical xenophobia and distaste for
those whom religious fanatics tell us are deviants, God will
continue to frown on us and not give us any shiny new Ramblers or
Nashes.
When reminded that these American Motors products were no longer
made, Romney flew into a rage, accusing the press of attacking his
late father, onetime AMC head George Romney.
The candidate went on to argue that witchhunt tactics, popular in
the red scare days of the 1950s, could once again be used to hound
homosexuals and other undesirables hated by the Republican right
wing. Such methods could also be used to reign in fringe religious
groups.
Romney declined to respond when asked if this would include
Mormons, 
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SEATTLE, WA - A wide variety of seers and
soothsayers, psychics, tarot card readers and palmistry
practitioners gathered in the Pacific Northwest to iron out details
of their predictions as to who will be elected the next President
of the US.
Results from the first few sessions were mixed and no general
consensus was achieved as visions, patterns and remote views were
disturbed by a host of external influences, including emanations
from the long demolished King Dome, a number of recalcitrant and
intoxicated familiars and undue electromagnetic radiation from a
nearby clear channel AM radio station.
Organizers, who did not predict such difficulties, decided to
reorganize the convention in order to assist in improving the
signal to noise ratio, giving tarot card readers and palmists
daytime hours for their efforts, while seances, trances,
possessions and spells were rescheduled into late night time slots.
Crystal ball gazers, spoon benders and mind readers rounded out the
schedule.
So far, convention officials have not been able to announce the
findings of the gathering and have indicated that the various
groups need time to gather their, or others', thoughts. 
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WASHINGTON, DC - Republican Presidential
candidates upped the ante against their Democratic opponents by
challenging them to begin torturing the voting public as much as
they have.
"This is proof that the Democrats are soft on torture," said
Arizona Senator John McCain. "Why, anyone can see that my campaign
so far has been sheer, unending torture!"
Not to be eclipsed, former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani noted
that his years as head of the great Northeastern metropolis was
torture for millions. "After that kind of record," Giuliani told
the press, "no one will ever call me soft on torture!"
And former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney challenged the other
Republicans, without mentioning Democrats, to cause as much torture
as he has by flip flopping on issues. "Face it," Romney said, "you
can't be as tortuous as I've been with my two–faced,
backstabbing approach to politics!"
Other Republican candidates were impressed by Romney's tactics but
denied that they weren't ready to unleash a cavalcade of torture of
a kind the nation has never seen.
"After all," noted McCain, "the campaign season is just
beginning!". 
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NASA
Gantry Cocktail Lounge Expansion Planned
Crowded bar needs more room for shuttle
astronauts.
by the dirtcentral staff
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CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - Bellying
up to the bar to get those last martinis or highballs
might soon become more convenient for harried shuttle astronauts
about to board the orbiter for a trip outside Earth's atmosphere,
according to planners at the nation's space agency.
Officials plan large expansions to
the Gantry Lounge, located strategically close to the launch pad
for the spacecraft so that grabbing those last few cocktails will
not be necessary at other local area bars, in the car or at
home.
Overcrowding at the lounge continues to be a serious problem,
especially since, in addition to astronauts, it has become a
favorite watering hole for NASA administrators, government bridge
inspectors and assistants to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.
Renovations will involve making the bar more accessible to fully
space suited astronauts and to facilitate isolation for boozing
shuttle travelers who must be kept in a special environment prior
to their flights.
Also, forward thinking planners want to prepare for the future of
space exploration by installing casino gambling machines and raised
platforms for strippers.
A restaurant was suggested as part of this renovation but was
quickly rejected. Ever thoughtful of the safety of the astronauts
and the shuttle, engineers noted that shuttle passengers might be
subject to messy nausea during flight, especially after several
Gantry cocktails, known for their ferocity in the aerospace
industry.
There's also to be an international flair to the lounge as Russian
and Chinese speaking bartenders and cocktail waitresses will be on
hand in order to serve the possible visiting cosmonaut or sinonaut.

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Developers' "Catholic Town" Pelted By Pizzas
Ave Maria, Florida, suffers weird shower
of pepperoni pies.
by the dirtcentral staff
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AVE MARIA, FL -
An inexplicable flurry of pepperoni pizzas began
falling from the sky onto this newly blessed Catholic development,
rendering the town's church steeple a tomatoey mess and priests
practically incapable of herding twelve year olds into their
rectories.
The strange salvo started as devout Catholic, Ave
Maria and Dominoes founder Thomas Monaghan announced fundamental
Roman Catholic principles to be followed by residents of this
Florida community, including restrictions on their Constitutional
rights, no condoms, risk of "expulsion" for "extramarital sex" and
a host of other rules strangely alien to a city located in what has
come to be known as the United States.
The falling pizzas coated the steeple of the centrally located
Catholic church in toppings and tomato sauce, struck Monaghan,
leaving pepperoni slices scattered about his suit in a domino
pattern and pelted media news vans, rendering them draped in sticky
cheese and gooey dough.
Though Monaghan blamed pizza outlets Little Caesar's and Pizza Hut
for an anti–Catholic pie attack, other developers of Ave
Maria, fearing future pizza storms from the sky, backed off their
insistence that the town would be the sort of fascist religious
hell that would make even Pope Benedict comfortable and admitted
that they would stoop to the low of allowing gays to live there, at
least until they were bashed.
Ave Maria University, whose curriculum, rules, regulations and
operation will all conform to the antiquated docket that is Roman
Catholicism, was spared the majority of the pizza shower, but its
immunity to such flurries in the future is in doubt. Shuddering
developers, excluding super–Catholic Monaghan, have
surrendered to the notion that cable channels should be permitted
to deliver the content they feel viewers wish to see and that
pornography ought be available to those who want it.
Devout Catholic that he is, Monaghan forgave the pizza pie
attackers, promising he'd send a driver with his own pizza for
delivery "in less than thirty minutes." 
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Dear Quack:
How much would it cost to buy my way into heaven?
Yours, ANGEL ANGLE, PALM SPRINGS, CA
Dear ANGEL ANGLE:
A lot more than you or I can afford, I'm afraid. But there's no
time better than the present to start saving just in case there's a
change of heart in the divine ranks. You know, what with a lower
quality of resident passing into the hereafter, the Powers that Be
might just decide that your pittance could get you past the pearly
gates more readily. So hold on just in case you really can take it
with you! But, more likely, just get ready for much warmer
climes.
SINCERELY, The Advice Quack |
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"We're going to have the best
educated American people in the world." --Governor George W. Bush,
9/21/97 |
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Goodnight Pat Robertson, As Absurd As You
May Be! |
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