NEW YORK CITY, NY - Times Square became the site of pandemonium as a group of men in diapers, in an apparent attempt to prevent the traditional ball drop, struggled to break through a line of guards clad in outfits making them look like old men beat the baby imitators back with staffs, horns and paper hats.

Witnesses close to the melee claim a group of diapered terrorists attempted to storm One Times Square and rush to the top where the ornate ball was to drop.

Once inside the building, however, the scantily clad baby imposters were immediately confronted by security guards costumed as old men with long robes, canes, paper hats sporting glittery "Happy New Year" and "2009" insignia and a variety of other noisemakers.

Most of the terrorists were turned out of the structure as a result of their diapers being yanked off by the old mens' canes or of being repelled by the relentless unfurling of curled-up noisemakers.

The remainder were herded into a day care center on an upper floor where they were ultimately arrested by police.

Former New York Mayor and 2008 candidate to be Republican nominee for president, Rudy Guiliani, appeared to take charge but was arrested as he had just arrived from a private New Year's party in which he had agreed to play the year 2009 and was therefore dressed in a diaper.

Fortunately, Mayor Michael Bloomberg was able to identify Giuliani, and the centrist member of the GOP was finally released, but only after he surrendered his diaper to New York police.

Order was restored to the throng assembled to witness the traditional drop of the ball. though an extreme security scrutiny of suspicious New Years revellers was conducted with many somewhat intoxicated partygoers disguised as the infant 2009 having their diapers thoroughly searched.

COLUMBUS, OH - Millions of customers purchasing plastic champagne glasses from a manufacturer located in this midwestern city have reported the miraculous appearance of the Virgin Mary in the fluted lightweight glass-like vessels once the bubbly was poured into them.

"Why, it was a miracle!", announced Elsie "Gullible" Elflander of Muriatic, IA, who had bought a box of five hundred of the plasticware at a local restaurant supply store. Efflander, and millions of others, noticed the image in the glasses, a product of Neatsy Crystalware of Columbus, and the Virgin Mary became especially noticeable once several different varieties of very inexpensive champagnes and sparkling wines were poured into the containers.

A spokesperson for Neatsy, whose other products include plastic shot glasses, brandy snifters and economical faux gold-lined chalices for Catholic churches, has not been able to offer an explanation for the visions, but plastics experts have indicated that because the image has been replicated millions of times in a manufacturing run of the product, it is most likely a deformation in the material.

Efflander, and multitudes of other believers, insist that they accept the miracle, noting that image of the Virgin changes and becomes far more vivid after several of the glasses of cheap champagne have been consumed.

However, Tyrone "Woops" Washington, a Neatsy employee, told reporters that he accidentally dropped a photograph of his girlfriend, Fanny Schmank, performing as Mary in a passion play at his Baptist Church, into a mold at the factory, though he doubted this could be the cause because Fanny "looked much fatter and older" than the image in the glass and that the Virgin "was f**k*n' prettier than her."

Reached for comment at her home, Ms. Schmank, once told of her boyfriend's remarks, said that Tyrone had better wish the image was the Virgin because "he's gonna hafta pray to her after I put my f**k*n' boot up his ass!"

PUEBLO, CO - Advocates of sweeping restrictions on the behavior of citizens who smoke have gleefully pointed to this city's codifications of their distaste for cigarettes as beneficial to giving them far better opportunities to manipulate data, draw false conclusions and sanctify their exportation of draconian prohibitions to other municipalities.

Recipient of grant funds necessary to keep their flawed studies in the light of the media eye, self-styled experts on the effects of second hand smoke have crowed that the Pueblo restrictions on smoking have reduced heart attacks in the area and increased the possibilities of continued studies in other areas that would guarantee a continued flow of grant funds.

"This could be the single most important contribution to public health studies and those who benefit from them" said anti-smoking advocate Dr. Noel Wrights. "Why, with the money we're going to get by skewing and masking the statistics in this city so as to get the results we want are going to result in a windfall of funds for further faulty interpretations!"

Indeed, other locales with eager anti-smoking advocates waiting to impose rights-restricting legislation are ripe for new and unreasonable prohibitions.

The Pueblo study included the prudent use of such advanced scientific techniques as ignoring important related phenomena, cherry picking desired data and sensationalizing results that would otherwise ordinarily exist.

Experts familiar with studies that have persisted, providing those involved with lucrative grants and continued employment, suggest that the Pueblo study is watershed, not, of course, in terms of second hand smoke, but in sustaining lucrative grants and continued employment.

Hotbeds for restrictions against legal smoking that could fuel additional flawed studies include San Francisco, New York City and any other city willing to pass ordinances violating the rights of its citizens but fueling academia with an agenda,