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Wednesday, May 12, 2010
NOSE PICKING DAY



Diapered Terrorists Attack Falling New Year's Ball
Guards dressed as elderly men barely repel assault.
from the dirtcentral staff

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Times Square became the site of pandemonium as a group of men in diapers, in an apparent attempt to prevent the traditional ball drop, struggled to break through a line of guards clad in outfits making them look like old men beat the baby imitators back with staffs, horns and paper hats.

Witnesses close to the melee claim a group of diapered terrorists attempted to storm One Times Square and rush to the top where the ornate ball was to drop.

Once inside the building, however, the scantily clad baby imposters were immediately confronted by security guards costumed as old men with long robes, canes, paper hats sporting glittery "Happy New Year" and "2009" insignia and a variety of other noisemakers.

Most of the terrorists were turned out of the structure as a result of their diapers being yanked off by the old mens' canes or of being repelled by the relentless unfurling of curled-up noisemakers.

The remainder were herded into a day care center on an upper floor where they were ultimately arrested by police.

Former New York Mayor and 2008 candidate to be Republican nominee for president, Rudy Guiliani, appeared to take charge but was arrested as he had just arrived from a private New Year's party in which he had agreed to play the year 2009 and was therefore dressed in a diaper.

Fortunately, Mayor Michael Bloomberg was able to identify Giuliani, and the centrist member of the GOP was finally released, but only after he surrendered his diaper to New York police.

Order was restored to the throng assembled to witness the traditional drop of the ball. though an extreme security scrutiny of suspicious New Years revellers was conducted with many somewhat intoxicated partygoers disguised as the infant 2009 having their diapers thoroughly searched.

Virgin Mary Seen In Plastic Champagne Glasses
Manufacturer claims Immaculate Conception not deliberately added as extra feature.
by the dirtcentral staff

COLUMBUS, OH - Millions of customers purchasing plastic champagne glasses from a manufacturer located in this midwestern city have reported the miraculous appearance of the Virgin Mary in the fluted lightweight glass-like vessels once the bubbly was poured into them.

"Why, it was a miracle!", announced Elsie "Gullible" Elflander of Muriatic, IA, who had bought a box of five hundred of the plasticware at a local restaurant supply store. Efflander, and millions of others, noticed the image in the glasses, a product of Neatsy Crystalware of Columbus, and the Virgin Mary became especially noticeable once several different varieties of very inexpensive champagnes and sparkling wines were poured into the containers.

A spokesperson for Neatsy, whose other products include plastic shot glasses, brandy snifters and economical faux gold-lined chalices for Catholic churches, has not been able to offer an explanation for the visions, but plastics experts have indicated that because the image has been replicated millions of times in a manufacturing run of the product, it is most likely a deformation in the material.

Efflander, and multitudes of other believers, insist that they accept the miracle, noting that image of the Virgin changes and becomes far more vivid after several of the glasses of cheap champagne have been consumed.

However, Tyrone "Woops" Washington, a Neatsy employee, told reporters that he accidentally dropped a photograph of his girlfriend, Fanny Schmank, performing as Mary in a passion play at his Baptist Church, into a mold at the factory, though he doubted this could be the cause because Fanny "looked much fatter and older" than the image in the glass and that the Virgin "was f**k*n' prettier than her."

Reached for comment at her home, Ms. Schmank, once told of her boyfriend's remarks, said that Tyrone had better wish the image was the Virgin because "he's gonna hafta pray to her after I put my f**k*n' boot up his ass!"

Smoking Ban Leads To Rise In Bad Statistics
Colorado city multiyear cigarette restriction gave tobacco foes time to massage study results.
by the dirtcentral staff

PUEBLO, CO - Advocates of sweeping restrictions on the behavior of citizens who smoke have gleefully pointed to this city's codifications of their distaste for cigarettes as beneficial to giving them far better opportunities to manipulate data, draw false conclusions and sanctify their exportation of draconian prohibitions to other municipalities.

Recipient of grant funds necessary to keep their flawed studies in the light of the media eye, self-styled experts on the effects of second hand smoke have crowed that the Pueblo restrictions on smoking have reduced heart attacks in the area and increased the possibilities of continued studies in other areas that would guarantee a continued flow of grant funds.

"This could be the single most important contribution to public health studies and those who benefit from them" said anti-smoking advocate Dr. Noel Wrights. "Why, with the money we're going to get by skewing and masking the statistics in this city so as to get the results we want are going to result in a windfall of funds for further faulty interpretations!"

Indeed, other locales with eager anti-smoking advocates waiting to impose rights-restricting legislation are ripe for new and unreasonable prohibitions.

The Pueblo study included the prudent use of such advanced scientific techniques as ignoring important related phenomena, cherry picking desired data and sensationalizing results that would otherwise ordinarily exist.

Experts familiar with studies that have persisted, providing those involved with lucrative grants and continued employment, suggest that the Pueblo study is watershed, not, of course, in terms of second hand smoke, but in sustaining lucrative grants and continued employment.

Hotbeds for restrictions against legal smoking that could fuel additional flawed studies include San Francisco, New York City and any other city willing to pass ordinances violating the rights of its citizens but fueling academia with an agenda,

Q: Why is the year three-hundred and sixty-five days long?
Dr. Dirtcentral Answers:
The most obvious answer is that the year is directly related to the time it takes for the earth to revolve around the sun, but this is incomplete, failing to take into account a number of other factors, such as relativistic effects causing inaccuracies that render the 365 day year subject to adjustments, instabilities due to the planet's rotation and, of course, the fact there are backlogs of printed calendars in publishing companies' warehouses that need to be sold before the length of the year can be changed.
Cable Crisis Continues As Time Warner, Viacom Reach Agreement
LOS ANGELES, CA - Time Warner and Viacom, in a dispute over carriage rates, reached an agreement permitting a number of channels to continue operating past a cutoff time of 12:01 AM on New Year's Day, continuing a crisis that has been occurring since cable first started providing service.

The broadcast crisis involved channels such as MTV and its companions, which requires no additional explanation regarding crises, TVland, which purportedly spends its time presenting classic television programs but, in fact, shows movies and slimy reality programs, and Spike, a channel that appeals as much to guys as Oprah Winfrey does.

Observers of the industry suggest that the settlement might dissolve but are generally pessimistic, saying it will survive.
Microsoft Aims To Hide Worst OS In History By Using AKA For AKA
REDMOND, WA - Plucky advertisers for Microsoft Corporation, marketers of the latest incarnation of their glorified graphic DOS software, Windows Vista, have decided that even the moniker Mohave is insufficient to disguise the security flaw riddled dreadfulness loitering on newly vulnerable personal computers plagued with it.

While the current campaign hawks the ability of Mohave, aka, Vista, to allow parents to trace their kids' visits to the porn sites Mom and Dad regularly consult as hackers freely extract private information from their computers, the company's marketers are now considering an alias behind which the Mohave alias could hide once again. Among the candidates have been "Swiss Cheese," "C'mon In" or "Ugh." Experts predict the company will settle on "Ugh."
Chinese Hackers Sentenced And F- You That Won't Stop Us
SAN FRANCISCO F-You From China, CA - Foreign hackers that's us! those Chinese hackers! who sold bogus Microsoft computer software that actually worked were sentenced, along with their ringleaders, in a crackdown that experts say will significantly reduce hacking you can stick your sentences and your experts where the Chinese sun doesn't shine! and intrusion by outside forces Hey! Kwong Lu! Did you get the moron that's reading this dirtcentral site's Social? into legitimate web sites Sure did! Got his bank PIN numbers, too! electronic services and Let's put up a popup so we can suck the rest out of him! He's got Norton! Ha ha ha ha ha ! online commerce.

Ecommerce providers and virus detection software Norton! ha ha ha ha ha ha! manufacturers commended the Chinese for having pursued these criminals.
Republicans Suggest Moving Inauguration Offshore
Cite cost considerations, makes rural Iraq more attractive for venue.
by the dirtcentral staff
WASHINGTON, DC - Congressional Republicans are lobbying to move the upcoming inaugration of President Elect Barak Obama from its traditional location in the nation's capital to an outlying area somewhere within rural Iraq.

"The cost savings of this move would be appreciable," noted Representative Spence MacFeel. "Attendance would be down, the food and entertainment budget would be far less and we could save up for when we inaugurate a Republican in 2012 back here in DC!"

The suggested venue outside of the tiny settlement Abu Cherd City, home to some fifty Iraqis, has plenty of room to set up some risers and a podium where the new President could address a leaner, meaner crowd, MacFeel indicated.

Reception to the idea has been cool from Democrats and the Obama camp, noting that the departure from an inauguration in Washington is severe and would cramp plans now being hatched for the inaugural ball and various parties.

"I think we're anticipating a million people to descend on wherever we're going to have the inauguration," said a spokesman for the President-elect, who spoke on condition of anonimity. "I strongly doubt they'll want to take the hazardous and arduous journey to Abu Cherd City for the event, no matter how much money we'd save!"

But Republican MacFeel countered that with the new President facing enormous budgetary problems, an ailing economy, widespread unemployment, a potentially collapsing automobile industry and a disgruntled populace ready to reverse their votes in several key electoral states and blame the new president for all of the nation's woes firmly ensconced by incumbent Republicans, perhaps a hasty retreat to the middle eastern nation made available by President Bush and Vice President Cheney would be a wise move.

But those close to the President-elect have stated the venue move would be unlikely and that Obama would keep all the receipts and send them to the Republicans via Iraq.

Conservative Episcopalians Allowed To Keep God
All-powerful deity to remain in jars and bottles in basements of anti-gay churches.
by the dirtcentral staff

RIGHTHAVEN, VA - Theologians who decry the majority Episcopalian Church's accepting views on homosexuality and other issues that oddly seem to bother them much less than homosexuality have been awarded the possession of God by a sympathetic court.

The court found that the "veracity of the Supreme Being must be protected from the scourge of homosexuality by a parish population dedicated to the preservation of a necessary shield between the all-omniscient Being and those lousy homos."

The court did not explain why it was that a Creator which purportedly populated the earth with living things, including gays, would need to hide in the basements of conservative Episcopalians too afraid to fess up to their Church's own doctrines that they had to high-tail and run like cowering thieves.

Conservative analysts studying the American descendants of Anglicans explain, however, that the court ruling not only protects the shaky deity from dreaded same-sex chicanery present in the larger church but allows the right wing turncoats to keep their ill-gotten property.

The split in the Episcopal Church has been tumltuous since conservative parishioners demanded that God be handed over in any vessel He could fit into, including jars, bottles and paper bags leftover from grocery store purchases, old shoes, favored by supporters of soon-to-be former President Bush, Rick Warren look alike egg nog mugs, popular now that the firebrand pastor and enemy of gay marriage is to deliver President Obama's inaugural invocation, and the gas tanks of any taxpayer subsidized GM or Chrysler product to come off the assembly line.

With the ruling and the property these proponents of schism within their own church are going to be allowed to retain, insurance may be necessary, what with God holed up in various parish basements, so AIG, awash in taxpayer money, has been suggested as a provider of divine policy assurance, just in case God is not as divine as conservative Episcopals thought.


Dear Quack:
I believe extraterrestrials have infiltrated our government. To whom should I report this information?
Yours, FUNGUS AMONG US, WALLA WALLA, WA

Dear FUNGUS AMONG US:
You'll find skepticism reigns supreme among most governmental departments when it comes to this subject. Closed minds are the operational norm and, unless you can produce one of the inhuman brutes holding a Homeland Security ID card, you'll probably get a lot of doors slammed in your face. But don't fret, because, most likely, if you did convince Uncle Sam there are little green men around we'd probably get incinerated by a fleet of flying saucers.

SINCERELY, The Advice Quack

ISSUE 1(2010)
PUBLISHED January 1, 2010



CROSSDRESSIN' CHESS (Sports) ESPN 6:00-8PM. Female impersonators Electra Bullit and Charmella Depew compete in tournament chess to win slips, gowns, high fashion pumps and costume jewelry. Viewer discretion advised for some bitchiness and Barbra Streisand lip syncing.
TOTS TALK TOPICS (News Analysis) CSPAN 7:30-9PM. Keynesian economics, Ponzi schemes and the politics of public education in urban areas are some of the themes occupying tonight's panel of toddlers. Occasional breaks for naps or breast feeding.
THE TOILET LAWYERS (Documentary) NAT GEO 8:00-9 PM. Stories of heartbreak from modern airport public men's rooms to the halls of justice as host Larry Craig discusses the sour legal consequences of judges refusing to vacate the confessions of right-wing Republicans trying to use the stalls for sex.
PARANORMAL PARADE (Variety) DISCOVERY 8:30-11PM. Psychics display talents beyond their clairvoyance; crystal ball juggling, invisible tightrope walking and disappearing striptease routines are featured. Finale includes a medley of theramine orchestral arrangements.
THE FREAK PEEK (Game Show) HISTORY 11:00-1AM. Blindfolded celebrities and audience contestants team up in this fast-paced quiz show in which cash prizes are awarded for deducing horrible deformities and missing sexual organs of guest state penetentiary inmates.
DESPERATE PROSECUTORS (True Stories) TRU TV 1:30-3AM. The Prosecutors successfully prosecute whistleblowers who expose their falsification of DNA evidence, fingerprint fabrication and coerced perjured testimony by falsifying DNA evidence, fabricating fingerprints and coercing perjured testimony.
GOD KNEADS U (Religious Cooking) HALLMARK 2:00--4AM. Challenges face host cook Ula Lababba as a runaway chemical reaction causes her Saint Francis of Assissi stigmata crab cakes to explode in the oven, forcing visiting children from a local Catholic school to eat store-bought Fig Newtons.
NOSTRADAMUS WEATHER (Meteorology) SCIENCE 5:00-5:30AM. New techniques allow this sixteenth century soothsayer's archaic French quatrains about the Danube and Nordic Kings to forecast lines of thunderstorms in the Midwest, stationary fronts bringing partly cloudy skies to the Hudson River Valley and cool offshore breezes to southern Oregon.