Meth Use Can Lead To Health Studies
Scientists clamoring for grants to study use of the drugs discover use leads to grants for studies, a study shows.

by the dirtcentral staff

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Use of methamphetamines can lead directly to studies into the use of the drug among members of the population, according to the conclusions of a study conducted on studies of the use the drug.

Scientists investigating new and varied methods to receive grant money to conduct studies conducted the study and introduced the novel use of methamphetamines because anti–drug hysteria tended to improve the chances of funds being granted when the drug was mentioned in the proposed study.

The study indicated that more studies of meth use among various sectors of the population will proliferate, usually generating the same tenuous and unverifiable conclusions but virtually guaranteeing a steady and unimpeded flow of funds into the coffers of scientists who produce little or no science but spend excessive amounts of time generating convoluted and uninformative studies.

"So long as methamphetamines, or, for that matter, marijuana, heroin, ecstasy and, yes, even alcohol and cigarettes can be used to stir the health nazi masses, grant funding for feeble and poorly performed studies will flow like Niagara falls," the study concluded.

No information as to the cost of the study was provided, though a suggestion was made that a study be made into its cost. A financial grant, of course, would be required.

Multiple local law enforcement agencies participated in the study, spending wakeful hours many nights with scientists closely examining the highly addictive and wakeful night inducing narcotic which, according to police officers, can be snorted, smoked or injected, though none cared to offer which their most popular form of application was.

Gonzales Readies "Up With Justice" Program
Sagging morale and poor image, mostly due to his actions, has to be reversed, Attorney General says.

by the dirtcentral staff

WASHINGTON, DC - US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is not allowing the stench arising from suggestions he fired federal prosecutors for political reasons to damper the image of the Justice Department or the morale of others on his staff who might be subject to his arbitrary and surreptitiously driven agenda.

Though dripping with guilt, and under the microscope of Congress, Gonzales has determinedly pressed forward with his roadmap for undoing the severe damage he has incurred by instituting a novel Department of Justice rejuvenation program he's calling "Up With Justice," modeled after the cheerful and jolly "Up With People" venture.

Gonzales is planning national tours featuring the talents of federal prosecutors, FBI agents and various other members of his team who can sing, dance, act, perform magic and otherwise keep audiences distracted from his obviously greasy maneuvers.

In addition to media interest in precisely what "Up With Justice" will do for the effectiveness of the Department, support has come from the White House where President Bush announced he would be the first in line to purchase tickets for the premier performance, slated for an opening night somewhere in the nation's capital.

Hopes for the success of "Up With Justice" remains high, particularly among the few supporters of Gonzales. "Giving DOJ employees the chance to prove themselves not only as loyal members of the Attorney General's team but also as great stage performers is one of the greatest legacies Alberto can leave!', declared one Republican booster of the program who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Later, that same booster was off with an "Up With Justice" team to Cleveland for an appearance being opened by a group called the "Illegally Fired Prosecutors Troupe."

Taliban Kidnaps Traveling River Dance Group
Pleads with Karzai government to take dancers back but Afghan officials refuse negotiations despite risk to Taliban.

by the dirtcentral staff

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Representatives of the Taliban, the exiled former leaders of this middle eastern nation, driven out following the events of September 11, 2001, left word with President Hamad Karzai that the River Dancer troupe they had kidnapped as the group left a performance in the capital was practically impossible to return to anyone who knew anything about River Dance, no matter how hard they tried.

The Afghani government, citing its standing policy of refusing to negotiate with Taliban kidnappers, noted that meeting their demand to take back the troupe would only lead to the dire possibility that the dancers would return to Kabul for another show.

The group of twenty-two dancers was, along with their shoes, clothing, souvenirs of Kabul and a large collection of videos of other River dancers throughout the world, abducted while traveling by bus to their next scheduled performance before an audience in Baghdad.

Several extremist Islamic web sites sympathetic to the Taliban showed videos of the performers dancing before their frustrated kidnappers, evidently ignoring threatening machine gun fire that some of the Taliban were unleashing over their heads in an apparently unsuccessful effort to get the River dancers to quit.

Experts sitting through the videos marveled at the restraint displayed by the Taliban in not simply shooting the River Dancers.

Sources in Baghdad have strongly denied suggestions that they would have done anything, including conspiring with the Taliban, to prevent the dancers from arriving in the Iraqi capital for their performance.

Military officials in the United States have refrained from involving themselves in the affair, noting that, eventually, the Taliban will find a place to leave the troupe, most likely relying on the possibility they can find someone who is not familiar with this style of dancing.

"That's good," said an army spokesman, "because the last thing we want is for those River Dancers to come to the US!"

NASA Gantry Cocktail Lounge Expansion Planned
Crowded bar needs more room for shuttle astronauts.

by the dirtcentral staff

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL - Bellying up to the bar to get those last martinis or highballs might soon become more convenient for harried shuttle astronauts about to board the orbiter for a trip outside Earth's atmosphere, according to planners at the nation's space agency.

Officials plan large expansions to the Gantry Lounge, located strategically close to the launch pad for the spacecraft so that grabbing those last few cocktails will not be necessary at other local area bars, in the car or at home.

Overcrowding at the lounge continues to be a serious problem, especially since, in addition to astronauts, it has become a favorite watering hole for NASA administrators, government bridge inspectors and assistants to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

Renovations will involve making the bar more accessible to fully space suited astronauts and to facilitate isolation for boozing shuttle travelers who must be kept in a special environment prior to their flights.

Also, forward thinking planners want to prepare for the future of space exploration by installing casino gambling machines and raised platforms for strippers.

A restaurant was suggested as part of this renovation but was quickly rejected. Ever thoughtful of the safety of the astronauts and the shuttle, engineers noted that shuttle passengers might be subject to messy nausea during flight, especially after several Gantry cocktails, known for their ferocity in the aerospace industry.

There's also to be an international flair to the lounge as Russian and Chinese speaking bartenders and cocktail waitresses will be on hand in order to serve the possible visiting cosmonaut or sinonaut.

Developers' "Catholic Town" Pelted By Pizzas
Ave Maria, Florida, suffers weird shower of pepperoni pies.

by the dirtcentral staff

AVE MARIA, FL - An inexplicable flurry of pepperoni pizzas began falling from the sky onto this newly blessed Catholic development, rendering the town's church steeple a tomatoey mess and priests practically incapable of herding twelve year olds into their rectories.

The strange salvo started as devout Catholic, Ave Maria and Dominoes founder Thomas Monaghan announced fundamental Roman Catholic principles to be followed by residents of this Florida community, including restrictions on their Constitutional rights, no condoms, risk of "expulsion" for "extramarital sex" and a host of other rules strangely alien to a city located in what has come to be known as the United States.

The falling pizzas coated the steeple of the centrally located Catholic church in toppings and tomato sauce, struck Monaghan, leaving pepperoni slices scattered about his suit in a domino pattern and pelted media news vans, rendering them draped in sticky cheese and gooey dough.

Though Monaghan blamed pizza outlets Little Caesar's and Pizza Hut for an anti–Catholic pie attack, other developers of Ave Maria, fearing future pizza storms from the sky, backed off their insistence that the town would be the sort of fascist religious hell that would make even Pope Benedict comfortable and admitted that they would stoop to the low of allowing gays to live there, at least until they were bashed.

Ave Maria University, whose curriculum, rules, regulations and operation will all conform to the antiquated docket that is Roman Catholicism, was spared the majority of the pizza shower, but its immunity to such flurries in the future is in doubt. Shuddering developers, excluding super–Catholic Monaghan, have surrendered to the notion that cable channels should be permitted to deliver the content they feel viewers wish to see and that pornography ought be available to those who want it.

Devout Catholic that he is, Monaghan forgave the pizza pie attackers, promising he'd send a driver with his own pizza for delivery "in less than thirty minutes."